Usually i’m ignoring the passing of a year. Our preception of time is a constant. There is no reset button that is getting pushed in the final midnight hour of the gregorian calendar and new years resolutions are rubbish (at least for me they are). “Happy new year, you mental figures!” were the first words i shouted into the darkness of the first moments of 2017. I did so because subjectively 90% of the six million euros spent on fireworks in austria have been fired off in a two kilometre radius.
So….2016 was the year were i became aware of how severe my depression/personal disorder/OCD really is. My behavior is pushing people away and usually that is something i prefer over people being attracted to me. But when ones Wife is among them the perspective changes. My therapist sent me to a psychiatric evaluation and a psychiatrist for medication. I have not taken any. Instead i told him “Yeah, i’m a little calmer.”, which i really have become but is hard to maintain. Every “blow” feels more impactful. More personal. After i got out of the psychiatric ward back in 2002, i was starting to take anti-depressants. They helped. I spent a week that needed the utmost level of attention i could muster to perform basic tasks. The rest of the time was spent staring at walls or the tv-set. The pharmaceutical industry has surely made some advances in developing new/improved medication, but despite my better knowledge i’m afraid to loose myself. To loose that certain thing.
Stopped working out. Also stopped eating enough and varied (been living on two cold cheese sandwiches and toast for breakfast each day), and with the energy i needed at work there is not enough left to spend in my free time.
Work has been a drag. Budget cuts lead the new contracts, lead to less salary. I started this job because of the money and the benefit if not getting trapped in a rut. The whole process has been reduced to a rut, and were working even more insane hours for less money. On top of that pile of shit sit some colleagues that are….well, special and always talk about how beautiful their cock is while other dicks to the heavy lifting. Mention it, and the boss tells you that one should be careful about placing himself in the spotlight. Easy to say for a guy who’s slowly drowning because his people stop caring if shit gets done less each day.
I could do freelance work, but i lack the killer instinct. It could work out, but it also doesn’t have to. And i learned hard work is never a guarantee for success.
That is another big problem, it seems like no matter how much i put into something, at the end it’s a lost cause. It’s fun of course, but i witness people not even caring about the thing they do that have to get theirs asses seen shut because everybody wants to set up camp in their colon.
I revisited some photos i took eight years ago when i did nothing else but aim press down the shutter. That will sound like i’m crawling up my own rear, there are some great results among them. Things that made no sense or offered no apparent idea to work with suddenly invited me in like an old acquaintance and we brought each other up to speed about what happened in the time spent apart.
Niv and i started a podcast which was great! We don’t spend enough time together and it forced me to learn new things that would have ended up as intentions in a notebook. It also helped build a bridge to my older brother in-law because there isn’t a topic he doesn’t know anything about. He pointed me in the direction to find software and tutorials which i soaked up and try to expand on as much as possible. Got out the old soldering iron to tinker with stuff again.
Writing helped. Sent a newsletter out 40 weeks in a row. Nothing interesting in there, just scratching that itch caused by the need to have some sort of interaction and the need to write.
A colleague also told me that he “can’t read” me in german because he feels like an imitation. “English is your jam.” he told me. German has become more attractive i must confess. It is my first language, and there are things in it that only work when you apply a viennese accent and slang.
I’m considering doing a podcast in german. There is an open spot in a german Steven Universe podcast that i applied for. But a comic themed show would be neat because german comic podcasts don’t work for me. Then do it better. i hear my Grandfather say. I’m working on it.
Frozen’s message was a theme: letting go. I quit my account at an online journal because i stopped writing and it felt like everybody there was repeating themselves. That isn’t the truth, my awareness was tuned into finding repeating patterns which i amplified. And it was hard to take that step because i was writing there for 13 years. I’ve met amazing people, fell in love, lured out of my into another shell.
Quit a lot of comic series that i read out of habit, tried out many new titles, became more interested in the backstage area of comics and titles outside of the big publishers.
But the biggest thing was the kindness, generosity and time other directed my way. My theme is to feel like a burden and failure, and while i can’t believe the nice words and gestures i’m deeply thankful for. Have to make up new words to be able to properly express it.